Lousy Qualities of a Loser:
1. Indecisive
2. Unassertive
3. Lazy
4. Unconfident
5. No leadership
6. Afraid of responsibilties
7. Afraid of people
= Can't change the world

After the exhibition I felt like I fell into a ditch.
I'm not sure how else to describe this feeling.
I spend most of my time on the couch procrastinating, being more and more afraid of things. I am always on my phone, on my phone too much. But yet completely unable to reply to people until the fear of them yelling at me and hating on me builds up enough.
Feelings of paralysis.

The other day I played the worst gig ever.
The night before I had dreamt of fucking up the gig. Not exactly playing badly but just feeling like this was going nowhere and I hated everything that I was playing and have ever created in my life.
I usually have these dreams when I am stressing out about playing a gig but unfortunately this time the gig was actually like the nightmare.
I was gone halfway through and was just hoping this nightmare will be over as soon as possible. The only thing I wanted to do was to stop playing, say thanks and go and smoke a cigarette alone.

There is not a single day in the past 10 years that I do not think that what I am making and have made is horrible and meaningless.

I started a new job doing mostly manual labour.
Doing simple tasks and listening to Daniel Johnston a lot.

Thinking of friends and family; friends nearby I haven't seen in a long while, friends far away.
Thinking of getting out.

Still making things quite regularly and trying to carry on.